may wanna work on this more.
You have a good concept here just need to fine tune it some more. There are alot of things here that i can tell you that could be fixed up but i think you know already from the last few posts so i'm not going to just repeat these things =) Either way your concept is great and i think you can make this song really shine if you work on it more. Good jorb on that much! Keep on it! Don't get discouraged!